Have you ever been in a place in your life when every safe option disappears?
That’s where I’ve found myself for the past two years. My husband’s job moved us to North Carolina, and I wound up not being able to commit to a full time job for various reasons, from family emergencies that required frequent travel, medical situations, pandemics, and so on.
Through all this uncertainty and upheaval, I’ve been attempting to find a way back into the world of stable employment. Sort of. But so far, nothing has worked. It’s starting to seem like I’m being pushed in a different direction from the one I’d always expected. That there’s something I’m supposed to discover here in this strange place. So, I’ve been exploring what that might be. I’ve been writing, pursuing my dream of publishing novels, and I’ve been working on my house and refinishing furniture. I’ve taught myself how to use Adobe Illustrator and various tools and machines. And I’ve started this blog.
Basically, I am interested to see if I can work for myself, doing work I believe in and have some talent for. Successfully.
But I found out that it’s not that simple, and for reasons that I never really expected. Because most of the issues I’ve encountered have been with myself, which is a problem, when I’m attempting to work… for myself.
For some reason, I was conditioned to believe that my self worth was tied to how much money I made, whether I could be independent, whether I could look responsible to my peers, and whether I was following the rules in a way that earned me praise.
That last one, especially, has been a troubling discovery. How much I relied on praise from a teacher or a boss to determine how I felt about myself. My entire life, really. So, when that was taken away, when there was no boss or teacher or supervisor to tell me what to do, or tell me if I was doing it well, I felt so very… lost.
It’s become sort of a journey of personal and spiritual exploration, this employment situation.
And it’s an entirely different world out here, by myself. One I’m certainly not done navigating. Everything has to be questioned. WHAT I want to do with my time. WHEN. HOW. But most especially, WHY.
I make my schedules, set my tasks and deadlines. And I am the only one who can measure whether I’ve been a success. Because it’s really a life I want to build these days, not a resume. And I can’t decide if that means I’ve gone crazy.
As the nature of work changes so quickly, I wonder if there are more of us out there, who are struggling to decide what work is worth doing, and are attempting to forge new paths for themselves now, that are different from anything they’ve done before.
To be honest, I find all of this quite terrifying. I sometimes find it hard to sleep at night, worrying I’ve made a terrible mistake. That I’ve tanked my career. That each passing day is a step further away from financial security and sense.
Which is why, I think, I need to keep going.
So, the journey continues!
I’ll let you know how it goes and share the things that help me along the way…
design + surrender 