I’m a big-picture kind of person. I like to look at where we are in the broader scheme of things. I can see that, in this era in the United States, we are very lucky. We have choices. For the first time in recent history, a woman can be literally anything she wants. Can work in any job, can marry any person, can decide what her family structure will look like, where they will live. There is certainly still unfairness and prejudice, but really, it is much less than in any other time. It’s hard to understand, sometimes, what is actually expected of us these days. What we should expect from ourselves.
I grew up loving 19th century British literature. I think now it had something to do with the rules. The women were expected to follow so many social and cultural laws that they hardly had any choices. Properties were entailed away to male heirs, women had little agency except when it came to deciding who they would marry, and even that freedom was often taken away from them. To watch people navigate such a restrictive environment was fascinating to me. There is something about rules. As much as I say I love my freedom, there is some comfort in having fewer choices, in being able to complain about it, to have something to resist.
Maybe that’s why I’m having a hard time deciding what to do next. Because I can feel this freedom, and it feels like responsibility. If I can do absolutely anything, then I should do the right thing, shouldn’t I? The right thing for my community, for my family, and for myself.
The problem with all of these choices is that they each have particular strings attached to them. I am looking for the right strings. The ones that connect me to the places and people that I value. I can see where I want to go, but in the tangled mess, it’s hard to se which strings will take me there.
design + surrender 